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This is a short play that I wrote for a contest. I didn't win and it has never been produced; but, that hasn't stopped me....

A Play about golf, relationships, and full catastrophe living.

Characters:

Burt - tall, thin, bald, dressed well in casual golfing clothes
Bob - tall, medium build, gray haired, dressed well in casual golfing clothes, glasses
Birdie - walks with a limp, medium build, medium height, nearly bald with the comb over, dressed in old jeans and an oversized pull over shirt that has a rip in it, glasses
Bernie - short, stocky, with long gray hair and a pony tail, dressed in business casual clothes for the first two acts and in a tux act three

Denise - young, striking, thin, tall, long hair, dressed in high ticket young casual clothes
Doris - middle aged, medium build, short hair, well dressed
Dot - middle aged, medium build, short hair, well dressed
Debbie - middle aged, medium build, short hair, well dressed
Dianne - young, medium build, long hair, well dressed in older clothes (out of style)

Introduction:

This play deals with friendships that have been built up over a life time and how each of the characters deal with aging and each other. The three middle-aged women all juggle because of all of the demands on women to keep many things in the air at the same time (there can be one or all of the women juggling in each of their scenes). Birdie wonders through the audience and shouts some of his comments from various places in the theater because of his inability to play things straight and narrow. He is all over the course as he is all over life. Bernie and Denise, who are soon to be married, communicate using tin cans connected by a string to show the most basic form of communication. This a prop that they will need throughout the play. They will be dressed in casual but good clothes for the first two acts and wedding clothes in the third act.

All of these characters care a great deal for one another and for their collective group. They are so hard to distinquish from one another because over the years they have all grown towards one another.

Copyright ® Harry Furness 1997

Scene One

Backdrop is half golf course (left) and half church (right). On stage left front are the tee markers and on stage right is a putting flag. There is indoor outdoor carpet stage front.

Three middle aged men enter stage right. They all wear similar golfing outfits pulling golf carts. They each have a driver in their hands.

Burt: I can't believe that we're here without Bernie. It just doesn't seem right. This is our regular day and all.

Bob: Yeah, poor guy. To go down like that and not even make tee time with us. Remember when we used to golf once a week. And now we only get out once a month. And wasn't it just last month that you were helping him through the round, he was so sick and he kept running over the ruff and throwing up.

Birdie: That's our boy, he wouldn't miss a regular game unless he was dead. And now he's not with us.

Burt: He knew this was our regular game. He knew that. For him to go like that, it's all such a shame. I feel bad for the poor smuck.

Fourth middle aged man enters the stage upper right. He's dressed in casual clothes carrying a can with string that runs off stage.

Bernie: Hey, guys. I'm not dead, I'm only getting married. And you're all suppose to be here. You're all in the wedding.

Bernie: (speaks into the can) Yes, I know... they'll be here in plenty of time. (he covers up the top of the can with his hand).. I should've gone golfing too.

Bernie walks back off stage right.

All three golfers shrug and tee off one at a time. Bob sends a wiffle golf ball out into the audience.

Burt: Nice shot Bob. I think you hit that one straight for a change.

Birdie: Well, I'm off to see more of the course than you guys. I'll meet up with you at the green. I love being able to get more golf for my money than either of you.

Bob: You do seem to see more of the course than the rest of us. Wouldn't you like to play the fairways once in a while?

Birdie: That would be too easy. You know we're expected at the church in a couple of hours and we better play just a quick nine. I don't think Bernie's new wife to be, Denise, likes us very much.

Burt: Do you blame her? After we got Bernie all loaded up, then took him home, propped him up against the door and rang the door bell. Then when Denise opened the door and he fell in on top of her, we ran away laughing and giggling like a bunch of kids.

Bob: Yeah, she seemed plenty pissed. And I think that she had to drag him into the bathroom and that's where he slept. Burt, you forgot to take those pictures out of his pockets. Bernie tried to explain his way out of those pictures with him and the belly dancer for a month or better.

Burt: Well, Birdie told me to leave them in his pocket. And we all always listen to Birdie when it comes to things that have to do with bad taste or worse jokes. It's nothing worse than he hadn't done to any of us, anyway. Well, let's go chase some balls. By the way, did either of you see where mine went?

Birdie: Geez Burt, will you start wearing your glasses. Christ, we're all getting old and can't see like we used to, but Bob and I aren't to vain to wear our glasses. And, Bernie's got bifocals. Lucky for you, your ball went straight down the fairway. It's probably about forty yards from the green. Hey, Bob maybe we should take off our glasses so we can hit down the middle too.

Bob: That's why at those rich clubs they have caddies for old geezers like us. Those kids watch the balls.

Birdie: I'll watch my own balls, thank you very much. See you on the green.

The three golfers split. Bob stays stage left. Burt goes to center stage. Birdie goes down into the audience and moves up and down the aisles (he will do this all of the play). Front lights dim and back spot on woman entering stage right.

Younger woman walks on, upper stage right. She's well groomed wearing an expensive looking designer suit of clothes. She's carrying a can with a string attached.

Denise: I don't dislike Bernie's old friends, it's just that I think that it's time that they grow up. He shouldn't spend so much time with them. We need to travel with a better circle of people. Bernie needs to advance his career and hanging around with men who act like boys is not helping him.

(she speaks into the can)... Well, you need to accept the responsibilities that you agreed to when we decided to love each other forever.

She exits upper right. Back stage spot goes off, front lights on.

Each of the golfers are joined by women, except for Birdie, one of the woman is sitting on the edge of the stage. Each of the women are juggling three balls Spot center stage.

Burt: Oh don't start on me this morning Doris. I'm playing a short round. We'll make it to the church on time. (He breaks out into a mock tune of "Get me to the church on time")

Doris: See what I mean. You don't seem to take anything seriously. This is a big day for your friend Bernie and he's counting on you guys to be there and support him.

Burt: Hey, this is his second wedding. I can't even believe that he's doing it again. And does this one think that she's the one to change him. He's what he is, ah hell, we're all what we are. I didn't marry you to try and change you. And, I think that you've given up on changing me. Don't you like the way I am.

Doris: That's the thing. You are exactly like when I married you. Sometimes thoughtful and at other times so reprehensibly thoughtless that I could strangle you. You could never juggle three things at one time like having a career, being a mother, and a wife. (she winks at the audience).

Burt: Yep (coyly batting his eyelids and smiling until Doris smiles and laughs). I can only play one hole at a time.

Switch spots to Right front

Bob: What are you doing here? I'm golfing here. (Bob does this with a Robert DiNero accent.)

Dot: Hey baby, this is the voice of your conscience and I've been checking you out. The report's not good. Why are you not with your friend Bernie, helping to support him?

Bob: That's what he's got underwear for. I'm around when he needs me.

Dot: What's Bernie's favorite holiday, or his favorite color, or his favorite food?

Bob: I don't know. Why should I know any of that? You and Doris are pretty good friends, what's Doris's favorite food.

Doris: (yells to the audience, and Doris and Dot trade balls that they are juggling) roasted turkey and Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday.

Dot: roasted turkey...

Bob: Hey, that's not fair.

Dot: Women have different relationships with one another than men have. We are in tune with one another.

Spot switches to stage Left front.

Birdie: (cocks his head to the left like a dog listening for something; he yells from way in the back of the audience) Wha?

Debbie: Why do you always play in the ruff? Why can't you ever make anything easy?

Birdie: Yeah, we've just been through all of this. Weren't you listening? Even though I focus straight ahead, I always seem to tack back and forth. But, I get there, eventually. When did this start bothering you?

Debbie: It doesn't bother me. I just thought maybe I could help you out and keep you straight. You always seem to have to learn everything for yourself. If you'd only listen and do just what I say, you could save yourself a lot of time and trouble, then I wouldn't have to second guess you or follow after you and tell you, again, how to do something.

All three ladies exit nodding their heads and agreeing with what Debbie just said. Front lights down, back spot to upstage right.

The women: (They are all saying the same thing.) Yes, yes, you tell her girl.

Birdie positions himself to get back onto the stage. Upstage left enters Dianne, she is younger than the other wives, but not as young as Bernie's new wife to be. This is Bernie's first wife. She is also juggling three pins.

Dianne: They act like it's so easy to guide their men into doing the right thing. These Peter Pans need mothers and lovers, not teachers and leaders. Keep them confined to the course and you might get it to work out. You got to keep an eye on them. They hit their balls all over the place and they always hate when anyone remarks about their style or lack thereof. I can only wish them all the best of luck.

Like the spirit of Christmas to come, I can only fore tell what might be -- not what will definitely come to pass.

Dianne exits left. The lights come up on the stage front again. Bob, Burt, and Birdie have out their putters and are lining up their puts.

Bob: Do you think that they're right about juggling home, work, and family?

Birdie: Of course they're right. But, women can handle more than one thing at a time. They tell us that we're too stupid to handle more than one thing at a time and I just agree. Now are you going to putt or what?

Burt: Yeah, but maybe we should handle a couple of things at a time.

Birdie: OK. Let's say you're going to paint a bedroom and watch your son at the same time. And, let's say your son is two years old again. How successful are you going to be watching a two year old and painting at the same time.

Bob: I get nervous knots in my stomach just thinking about it. I tried cooking dinner once while I was suppose to be watching the kids. I nearly burnt down the house and I didn't find the diaper that the one kid had taken off for almost a week and that was only because it was summer and the smell was finally so overwhelming that a dog with a cold could have found it. Dot was furious at me for that one.

Birdie: And what did you learn from this little grasshopper?

Bob: Not to watch small animals unless cornered and never to use appliances at the same time if cornered.

The three putt out and start walking to the next tee (back to stage left).

Burt: Come on guys, it's not that bad. I've watched the kids when they were small and did other things at the same time.

Bob: Well, you're the unique man. I'd always parent by diversion. And, that's the only thing I'd do. One thing at a time. I agree that's all men can do. Is one task at a time.

Women voices off stage "and sometimes not even that properly." One of the juggling balls rolls on stage. Burt picks it up and tosses it off stage.

Burt: And sometimes, they can't keep all of the balls in the air at the same time either.

top

Scene Two

Burt smacks another wiffle golf ball into the audience. As all three drive, the front lights go down and the back spot highlights Bernie and Denise.

Bernie and Denise talk using cans and a string. Bernie and Denise are in front of the church scene but they are in regular clothes until the third act.

Bernie: They'll be here. It's our golf day and it means a lot to them. We only get out once a month anymore and sometimes it's our only chance to see and talk with one another.

Denise: Well, I think that they should get use to it being a threesome.

Bernie: What are you talking about? We're a foursome.

Denise: We'll talk about that sometime. But today is my day and I'm not having your three clown friends ruin it for me.

Dianne walks on the other sided up stage.

Dianne: I'm fairly sure that I said the same thing years ago. He's still friends with the clowns and I'm long gone. But, she can push him all she wants.

Denise: There is nothing more important then two people joining their hands in marriage. It is the single most important sacrifice that a single person can make. Committing to share their life with someone, in good or bad times, in sickness or health, for rich or for poor. Well, maybe not the poor part, but I'll never let that happen. We'll be a couple for ever. This is the day of my fulfillment and Bernie's first day as a new person. It'll be so great to help him grow into the person that we both know that he can be.

Dianne: Right, his core person will change about the same time pigs sprout wings.

Denise: You're just bitter because you failed to change him. You were just unable to experience the joy of bringing a man to his full potential.

Dianne: Honey, he's already there. Love him as he is, or drop him now.

Bernie: Hey, I have some good qualities.

Denise and Dianne: (at the same time) Stay out of this.

Denise: Weddings are the fulfillment day of a women's life. It leads to all of the rest of the things that make us the procreative force in nature.

Dianne: That's quiet a jump in logic there honey. We are important creatures, but we're not defined by who or what we marry. We should be defined on our own terms.

The three juggling women walk out on stage and yell, "Tell her sister." and walk back off stage.

Lights down in the back, lights up in the front. Golfing hole 2.

After the beauty of the wedding speech.

Burt: It's important to keep open the channels of communications to avoid any misunderstandings.

Birdie: Exactly. A young man walks into the train station and is going to buy a ticket to Pittsburgh. The young woman behind the ticket counter is a real knockout. She's beautiful and is wearing a low cut dress showing a great deal of cleavage. The young man becomes flustered and asks, "May I have a picket to tittsburg?" He turns red and is very embarrassed. The ticket lady glares at him and gives him his ticket with disgust.

He gets on the train still mumbling. There was this old lady sitting next to him and asks what's wrong. He explains what just happened about becoming flustered and asking for the wrong tickets. The elderly lady sitting there tells him, "That's nothing, We all do it from time to time. Why just the other night I meant to ask my husband at dinner, 'Please pass the potatoes,' but instead it came out, 'You ugly son-of-a-bitch, you've ruined my whole life.'"

Bob: I wonder if Bernie's going for the whole life catastrophe?

Bob tees off.

Birdie: What?

Birdie tees off.

Burt: Yeah, I know what you mean. Kids. Babies. Boy, I never want to do that again. That was one of the most helpless feelings in the world. I remember walking around with a screaming kid waiting for Doris to come home and save me. I didn't have a clue. And it stayed that way right through the third kid.

Burt tees off. Burt and Bob stay on the stage. Birdie walks off down one of the aisles.

Bob: I remember winding up that swing thing and damn near hurling the kid across the room. And then I stuffed them in it using towels and stuffed animals and anything else that seemed soft and pliable because the movement either soothed them or frightened them into being quiet. It worked.

Birdie (yells from the audience): I used to have to come home and drive around for hours. A car ride was the only thing that calmed the kid down enough to get some sleep. I wonder if we were the same to our parents?

Bob: I remember trying not to make the same mistakes with the second kid that we made with the first. I was against teaching the younger kids to walk or talk. I thought they were tough as a new born. And they all were. They were even tougher when they became mobile and started asking questions. I remember Dot being out for the day and I had to fix dinner. I gave the kids green beans and the oldest put them in his ears and up his nose as I looked away to help feed the youngest and the others all put their beans in all of the holes in their heads but their mouths. And you know what? It was damn funny. I couldn't help myself and I laughed. That was the worst thing that you could do, so Dot let me know over and over. Babies are the most difficult age until they get older.

Burt: Yeah, I remember trying to take care of the kids as babies. That's all I could do was just take care of them and nothing else. Doris would come home from shopping and ask what else I'd done and I'd say nothing and that was always the wrong answer. But, unless you use the kid as a brush, you can't paint, they'll get into it. If you're trying to build something and you don't nail them to the boards, you end up chasing them most of the time and keeping them away from stuff that could hurt them the other part of the time. Nice shot. Hey Birdie the fairway is over here.

Birdie: Yeah, I see it

Burt: And that baby food was foul, but what came out the other end was even worse. What is it that a baby's digestion does to that stuff? Well, at least we had disposable diapers and didn't have to rinse them out. And I'm sure that that stuff will last until the next millennium.

Birdie (coming back up on the stage joining the other two near the pin area.): Debbie was into the ecology thing and we did have the cloth diapers. Whoa, that was an activity that will stay with me forever. Never forget, never surrender, never have history repeat itself.

Hey did you hear the one about the guy who walks into the bar with a baby and ...

Burt and Bob: Yeah, we heard that one about a hundred times.

Birdie: OK, OK, How about his one... I was out with my oldest when he was a baby and it was really cold. The baby had gas and farted. The fart warmed up the air and created a cloud and this in turn created a thunderstorm. We both ended up wet and because of the lightening he ended up with diaper rash.

(Bob and Burt laugh in spite of themselves.)

Bob: Babies are tough, and then they get older and more independent. At first it was nice to have them be able to tell you what hurts or what it is that they want. But, then they want to argue about everything and it becomes a war of wills.

The three start to putt out.

Bob: Nice putt Burt. Come on Birdie sink one and let's get on with this.

Birdie: You wouldn't rush Arnie. And he's a lot better than me. (putting noise and the three walk back to the tee area.

Burt: Yeah, but Arnie doesn't have to make it to Bernie's wedding either.

Each of the three men tee off and Birdie hangs his head and walks out into the audience again.

top

Scene 3

Enter the three women, juggling.

Doris: The three of them don't have a clue. I swear, if you put the three of them in a bag in threw it up in the air, I don't know who would come out first. (The men stop and stare at her wide eyed, the women stop juggling and stare open mouthed.) Babies are so sweet. They are helpless and cute. One of the highlights of a women's life is giving birth and watching your child grow.

Dot: One of the other highlights has to be watching them move out of the house.

Doris: No, think how nice babies smell. The little clothes that you get to dress them in. You don't have much control over their dressing habits or anything else after they grow up a little. Remember nursing and the bond that nursing creates. That is one of the most special bonds of existence. You're creating nourishment for them from your body. They are so dependent on you. It's not a control thing, it's a nearness thing. You never get that near anyone else or even your child again after they grow a little. It's a very special time and I wouldn't trade that time of my life for anything. That's the best memories that I have. I love Burt, but he was never a part of me like the kids.

Debbie: The birth, the pain, the joy, the overwhelming of emotions that all came in the first two minutes. How everyone who showed up in the hospital for the next three days had more advice than Dr. Spock on his good days.

Doris: And they had their own special smells. And their own expressions. Each one was an individual the moment they were born.

Dot: Yes, but the most special time of the entire birth pain, happiness rollercoaster ride when was when everyone left. And you were alone with your baby for the first time. And you could feel their warmth and their little fast heart beat. You knew that you were responsible for this little baby's existence and that all of its care and nurturing would come from you. And then you realized that some of that warmth that you were feeling was coming from a wet diaper. And that too was your responsibility.

Doris: But, it was the entire package, and the nearness of two lives at a single moment. Then came the feedings and the changings and constantness of their need. Sometimes that too seemed overwhelming. And the boys tried to help, but they really didn't understand the experience. They got confused over feedings and changings. They couldn't even tell the different cries. Each kid had their own cry for different needs. And our fellows just always asked "What?" And then they started to grow and set in motion a whole different set of challenges.

Dot: I remember chasing them around and thought that I would forever be bent over at the waist guiding them along. Do you remember the first time that they rolled over, or the first time that they pulled themselves up?

Debbie and Doris (smiling): Yes.

Doris: Or the first time they pulled the dresser over on themselves because they were climbing the damn thing? Or the first trip to the emergency room?

Dot: Oh yes, we used to call the doctor all of the time with the first one. I remember being so strung out because of a fever or a small cut or the fall down the steps. All of those little childhood accidents.

Doris: We had our own emergency room. It got to the point where we didn't even have to fill out the forms. We just said hello and walked in. We didn't show once for over three weeks and got a call from the hospital. They called to see if we moved or chose another hospital.

Dot: Now that's a regular.

Debbie: We had Birdie's mother curse us and had children just like Birdie must have been. And that's not hard to imagine. He's not grown up a whole lot. But, I agree, Doris, baby time was the best and most special of all times.

Doris: Of course by the time the second one came along it was much easier to know what to do. And by the third or fourth, it's like, "Oh yeah, we had that with the first one and we just dunked the kid in chamfer and everything was fine."

The women juggle their way off the stage.

The three men are near the pin on the right side of the stage and putt out as the women continue to talk.

top

Scene Four

Bernie and Denise are on the string phone.

Bernie: Look, I don't understand why you are so upset. They'll be here in plenty of time. Everything will be fine.

Denise: Your friends better not ruin my wedding day. I've put so much into making this day special and, well, they better do what they're suppose to do. (she covers the can top and talks in the offstage direction, giving orders and directions for the wedding arrangements) Yes, put that over there. You with the flowers, put those over there and don't drop that, that's very expensive.

Bernie: You just haven't taken the time to get to know them yet. Look, they're my oldest and best friends. Once you get to know them you'll like them.

(Enter Dianne. She takes her place up stage left.)

Dianne: If their communications is starting on a shoe string, just imagine what it will be like within a year.

Denise: (off stage again) Look if you don't want to get paid for this job...

Bernie: Settle down, it will all be fine. You're just tense and nervous and no sense turning into a psycho killer...

Dianne: No that will be your job to push her beyond human bounds. Why did you link up with her in the first place?

Bernie: She reminds me a lot of you.

Dianne: Not even on my worse days.

Bernie: You're only seeing her here under tremendous stress. Remember, from stress comes diamonds.

Dianne: From stress also comes crushed stone.

Enter stage left the three golfers.

Burt: Wow, she's really giving him the business. I hope that we're not late.

Bob: Yeah, I haven't had anybody give me that much grief since we were kids in high school.

Birdie: Remember being a pain in the ass as a teenager?

Burt and Bob: That was only you. We were nowhere near the trouble you were.

Birdie: I had a lot to learn. I needed lessons on intelligence. Speaking of that - (Birdie acts out the joke with his golf club.)

Two teens were digging ditches and discussing how one got to be a boss and not have to dig ditches. One teen convinced the other to go ask the boss how you got to move up.

The teen went to the boss and asked, "How do you get to be a boss?"

The boss looked him over and said, "It takes intelligence."

"What's that?" the teen asked.

The boss looked around and wrapped his hand around a pole. "Hit my hand," he said. "As hard as you can."

"I can't do that, you're the boss and I'll get in trouble."

"No, go ahead and hit my hand as hard as you can. You won't get into any trouble."

"OK," the teen said and wound up to hit the boss's hand as hard as he could. Just as he was about to hit the boss's hand, the boss moved his hand and the teen hit the pole and smashed his hand.

"Ow," the teen yelled.

"That's intelligence," said the boss.

He was still rubbing his hand when he returned to the ditch. "Well, what did the boss say? How do we get to be a boss?" asked the other teen.

"Intelligence."

"Intelligence, what's that?"

The first teen started snickering and looking around for a pole. He didn't see one so he said as he covered his face with his hand, "Hit my hand."

Burt: Hey Birdie, did you ever stop to think and then forget to start again? Just tee off and see if you can stay in the fairway.

(Birdie tees off, shrugs his shoulders and walks out into the audience.)

Burt: Have you noticed how much worse Birdie is walking? I wonder how much longer he can keep going?

Bob: Yeah, the poor guy seems to lose more and more each year. I think that soon we'll have to rent the cart and just keep him in there. Sometimes it's hard to watch someone slowly lose what they had. Sometimes I almost think that it would be good to lose it all at once and not slowly over a long time.

Burt: I remember Birdie being one of the best short stops that I'd ever seen. He was so quick. And, didn't he lead in stolen bases every year we were in high school?

Bob: Yup, he was a demon on the bases. And turn a double play faster than anyone in the league. He should have gone onto the majors, but just that quick, a car runs a red light and you pay for it the rest of your life.

Burt: To have those years back again.

Bob: Teenagers today don't know how good they have it.

Burt: Listen to yourself. You sound like your old man. Remember when he had to come and bail us out because we were caught trespassing in that farmer's field and we were fishing in his stream?

Bob: Yeah, I also remember that Jim ran with the beer and wasn't taken into the station by the cops and he had to walk five miles back to a phone and get a ride.

Burt: That was probably worth the whole thing thinking of Jim walking.

Bob: But you know, we're really lucky. We don't have kids like us. Ours seem so focused.

Burt: Are you crazy. They're better, but hardly focused.

Bob: Your son, my daughter, and Birdie's boy are all scholar athletes. I'd call that focused. And all of our younger kids are in sports or band, or scouts or something.

Burt: They just know that they can't get away with anything. We did it all.

Bob: So did our fathers, but it didn't stop us.

Burt: That was a different time than now. It was more open or innocent or free or something. I'm not sure what made it different, but it was.

Bob: You were in the navy like your dad. He was World War 2 and you were Viet Nam. That was a big difference.

Burt: I don't know that the service was all that different from one generation to the next, but the public response sure was different. It did enable me to go on to college. I got in on the GI bill. That was worth every deck that I scrubbed and every order that I had to take. I had to grow up as a teenager. You guys ended up graduating before me, but I grew up before you guys. I was a man going to school with children when I got out of the service. It really was the best thing in the world for me. It make me stick to routine and it showed me responsibility. I was on a destroyer. We never saw the damage that we did. We just use to shoot the bombs into the coast. Then one day one of the bags of powder caught fire because one of the mates didn't handle it properly. It killed four other boys. Those of us who made it out of the turret became men that day. We all handled our jobs differently after that day. Hey, Birdie, the fairway is over here.

Birdie: Yeah, yeah. I'm having a fine time in the poison ivy. Bob that last one was a nice shot.

(The three gather on the green area again near the pin.)

Burt: And this pin head (Burt and Birdie start sword fighting with their golf clubs) introduces me to the most beautiful woman in the world and I took on a whole new role as a grown up.

(The three putt out and walk towards the tee area)

top

Scene Five

(The three women juggle out shaking their heads)

Dot: They talk like they've grown up.

Doris: My youngest acts older than Burt.

Debbie: They're all just bigger boys with more expense toys. Do you remember our teen years? They were wonderful.

Dot: What are you talking about? We wore braces and our mouths were always sore. We got our periods and I thought that I was bleeding to death. And, our mothers were no help. All I was told about was the wonders of becoming a women and our monthly visitor. I wondered who was coming to visit us every month.

Debbie: That and being measured by the boys' eyes for who had boobs.

Doris: Well, I hope that you both are helping or have helped your daughters through this awkward period. I know that my talks with the girls have helped them.

Dot: Did you talk about sex? Or did you couch it in some parable about lovely flowers and other nonsense?

Doris: We had honest and open discussions about out bodies. I had to have the same talk with the boys. Burt certainly wasn't going to it. He kept giggling and would have probably waited until the kids were in their thirties.

Dot: Bob's the same.

Debbie: Birdie's worse. He just asked the kids if they had any questions just ask, me. He still can't handle going into store and buying a condom.

Dot: I watch my own kids go through it and wonder if I was as awkward? And then I realize that I was probably worse. That was a horrible time. Your body changes, your mind is sometimes not your own, and they tell me menopause is a close second to that emotional roller coaster. I would never want to be a teenager again. And today the added demands of pressure and sex and drugs. I think that it's much worse than when we were young.

Doris: I wouldn't go back either. I always hated being groped. Burt's not much better now, but at least he's not long for foreplay and we're on with the main event.

Debbie: Doris, you're awful. The only thing good about being a teenager is that sooner or later you're going to grow out of it and it's a good intermediate step. It really does get you ready for adulthood.

Doris: Yeah, you're so use to being screwed up that when you hit your twenties you're thankful that at least your body has stopped overloading you with hormones.

Dot: And all those skinny boys who couldn't get out of their own way become men, who can't get out of their own way.

Debbie: Do you remember that high school dance where Dianne was afraid to wear her glasses and we basically had to lead her around? It was just before she got her contacts. Remember she used to be so embarrassed by how thick her glasses were.

Dot: Yes, I remember pointing her in certain directions and telling her to wave. Of course I had her wave at the wall a few times...

Doris: Because she couldn't even see the wall without her glasses. I remember she was talking to one boy for over ten minutes and when he left she had to ask me who it was.

Dot: Debbie, wasn't that the same dance with the infamous belt buckle dance?

Debbie: Well yes it was. I'd almost totally forgotten that and would have a long time ago if you didn't keep bringing it up.

Doris: Oh yeah, the belt buckle.

Debbie: How was I suppose to know it wasn't. We were dancing to a slow dance and I felt something hard against my stomach. Big belt buckles were the style at the time and didn't think any thing of it until, he asked me to walk closely with him towards the door.

Dot: And if it hadn't been for Doris telling you what was what, you'd have never known anything different.

Debbie: I would have stayed blissfully ignorant to this day.

Dot: You still are.

Debbie: As though either of you would have know how to deal with it any better. Dot I remember you asking the health teacher if you jumped up and down after sex could you get rid of all of the sperm.

Doris: Yeah, Dot that had everyone laughing. I think the teacher was even snickering.

Debbie: And you Doris. You asked if you could become pregnant if you sat on a boy's lap and he touched your breasts. None of us were a Dr. Ruth.

(All three agree and nod at one another.)

(The three golfers are in the putting area.)

Debbie: Well, we'd better get ready for the wedding. It looks like the men are going to cut this as close as they can.

(The golfers putt out and walk back over to the tee area. The women juggle their way off stage.)

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Scene 6

The golfers tee off and Birdie goes into the audience again. Bernie walks on upper stage holding two cans, one with a long string that reaches off stage and one with a short string. The one that reaches off stage he puts to his mouth every now and then and says "Yes, dear.")

Bernie: You know you get to the middle of your life and you expect certain things. You expect to have a house and some kids, a wife, a job, and maybe even a hobby that you can have on the weekend. (He flips the empty can in the air and says "Yes, dear" into the other can.) At one time, I thought that I had it all. I had great friends (the golfers wave) and a wonderful wife (Dianne walks on the other side of up stage.) But after you've gathered all of this stuff up, things start leaving. Just as you've figured out that your parents weren't the worse thing in your life and they weren't put on the planet to make your life miserable, one of them dies. There's never enough time to tell everyone how much they mean to you.

We've been friends since childhood. We've been through any number of firsts with one another. And Denise was a college sweetheart. I fell hard for her and I think that she liked me. We fell in love and I'd do a song and dance for her. (Bernie does a quick soft shoe and Dianne walks over and drops a coin in the can.) We were a pair. And then you left.

Dianne: Well, it wasn't really my decision, now, was it.

Bernie: But we had great times together, all eight of us. We were always at each other's houses for cookouts or birthdays or just a night of cards and beer. We were at the height of our powers. We were on our way to conquering the world and all that it offered.

Hey Burt, remember all of the money we were going to make by being disco kings and winning all of the dance contests.

Burt: Yeah, but you could never get your hair just right and we would always be late. But it was fun going out with our new wives.

Bernie: In our twenties we could stay up all night drinking beer and still make work the next day. Do you remember the time that we decided to drive to the ocean. We stayed up all night driving around from Wildwood to Atlantic City. We hit all of the clubs and had a heck of a good time. We were with Harry Harvey; it was his wife's car and we were with two of his coworkers. One of them was driving us back the next day. I think that you were sitting in the back and still drinking beer. It must have been 9 or 10 o'clock Sunday morning.

Anyway this one girl was driving because I guess that she was in the best shape. I don't know how fast she went by that cop going the other way, but when she asked if she should slow up to let the cop go by with the flashing lights, I know that we were all surprised. And we pulled over with the beer cans in the back and I think Harry had a gun in the glove box. I thought for sure that we were headed for jail.

Anyway when the state trooper asked for license and registration and none of that matched, he asked who's car it was. Harry was trying to explain that it was his wife's, but that she wasn't with us. So the cop asks Harry for his license. Betty, his wife had never changed her name on the registration. So the names still didn't match and then Harry couldn't remember his address. The trooper looked in the back and saw you with the beer and you could see it in his face.

He was sure that we were breaking most of the laws of New Jersey, but he didn't want to spend all of his free time trying to sort it out. He handed all of the paper work back to the girl that was driving and told her to get out of the state quickly. Don't speed, but don't stop. He got back in his car, did a U-turn and headed away from us as fast as he could.

Burt: Yeah, I remember that. But you know, we not only made it to work every day, we cared about the job we did. We wanted to be the best. We were all on the fast track. And remember the softball teams. We were going to be professional softballers.

Bob: All of our balls have gone soft and from the tone of your whining, so has your head.

Bernie: You know what I mean. We were going to go somewhere and do something. We wanted to make a difference and be important.

Dianne: You were. You just never knew it.

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Scene 7

The golfers tee off and Birdie again shrugs and walks down into the audience aisle.

The three juggling wives come out and discuss the advantages of young adult women.

Dot: Do you remember how good your twenties were?

Doris: What do you mean?

Dot: I mean graduating from college, starting out on a career, getting married, and the first child. Do you remember how wonderful and frightening it all was?

Debbie: Yes, and Dot don't you have a daughter who was just married and is now pregnant?

Dot: Yes, and I think how strange it is to watch someone else going through it all. And, I'm glad it's not me again.

Doris: Do you remember the wonderful cookouts we would have in the park? Do remember how the boys got into a contest to get the charcoal fire going the hottest the fastest?

Dot: I certainly do. Only men, and you know the other day I saw an article about lighting charcoal for cookouts. Each year, a bunch of engineers hold a picnic and cook hamburgers on a big grill. Being engineers, they began looking for practical ways to speed up the charcoal-lighting process, just like our boys.

Doris: Do you remember the year that Birdie created that fireball and burnt off his eyelids?

Dot: Yes, I do and he would have burnt all of his hair off, if he had any. But listen to this. These guys started blowing the charcoal with a hair dryer and then they figured out that it would light faster if they used a vacuum cleaner.

If you know anything about (1) engineers and (2) guys in general, you know what happened: The purpose of the charcoal-lighting shifted from cooking hamburgers to seeing how fast they could light the charcoal. From the vacuum cleaner, they escalated to using a propane torch, then an acetylene torch. Then they started using compressed pure oxygen, which caused the charcoal to burn much faster, because as you recall from school, fire is the combination of oxygen and fuel. We discovered that a long time ago, when lightning struck a tree and women had to keep the fire going to cook the mastodon.

Anyway, by this point, these engineering guys were getting pretty good start times. But in the world of competitive charcoal-lighting, "pretty good" doesn't cut it. They hit upon the idea of using - get ready - liquid oxygen. This is the form of oxygen used in rocket engines; it's 295 degrees below zero and 600 times as dense as regular oxygen. In terms of releasing energy, pouring liquid oxygen on charcoal is the equivalent of throwing a live mouse into a room containing 50 million cats. And they even have pictures of this stuff on the Internet on some Web site. You can see actual photographs, a video, AND and an audio file of these engineers using a bucket attached to a 10-foot-long wooden handle to dump 3 gallons of liquid oxygen (not sold in stores) onto a grill containing 60 pounds of charcoal and a lit cigarette for ignition. What follows is the most impressive charcoal-lighting the world has ever seen, featuring a large fireball that according to the reports, reached 10,000 degrees Fahrenheit. The charcoal was ready for cooking in - this has to be a world record - 3 seconds.

There's also a photo of what happened when they used the same technique on a flimsy $2.88 discount-store grill. All that's left is a circle of charcoal with a few shreds of metal in it. "Basically, the grill vaporized," they said. "We were thinking of returning it to the store for a refund."

Looking at the video and photos, I was glad that we do not live anywhere near the engineers' picnic site.

Doris: That is something the boys would love to be able to do. I think that it might even stop their golf game for a weekend to go to a cookout like that.

Debbie: Birdie would be most envious of anyone who could cook on charcoal within three seconds. But only men would do something like that.

Doris: Here's another one about young men finding their way in the world. Our guys and their cars. Tell me if this one wouldn't fit them in their younger years. This may be funny but it is a true story....

"The Darwin Award is an annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. One previous winner was the fellow who was killed by a coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it. But, here's the one the hit home for me.

The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded into the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. The lab finally figured out what it was and what happened. It seems that a guy had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off - actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra 'push' for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long straight stretch of road.

Then he attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, got up to speed and fired off the JATO!

The facts, as best could be determined, are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the prominent scorched and melted asphalt at that location. The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within five seconds causing the Chevy to reach speeds in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20 - 25 seconds. The driver, soon to be pilot, most likely would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog-fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, basically causing him to become insignificant for the remainder of the ride. However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15 - 20 seconds) before the drive applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and hitting the cliff face at a height of 25 feet leaving a blackened crater three feet deep in the rock.

Debbie: We're lucky our guys didn't have access to anything like solid rockets or liquid oxygen and JATO engines or that could have been one of our boys.

The three golfers gather at the pin. Birdie flies in from the aisle.

Dot: Go ahead and laugh. But half of your genes are in our kids and we have to stop them from doing the stupid stuff that you just didn't think of.

Debbie: Well, we better get to the church.

The women exit

Birdie: Quick, one of you guys think up something stupid that some women did.

The other two shrug their shoulders.

They all three walk over to the tee area.

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Scene 8

The three golfers tee off and Birdie stays on the stage.

Bob: Well, it was bound to happen that a monkey would finally type out a Shakespearean play. Nice shot Birdie. In the nearly 30 some years we've been playing, that's got to be the straightest drive you've ever hit.

Burt: Nice shot Birdie.

Birdie: Yeah, well it was bound to happen. I'm just glad all of these people were here to see it. Otherwise you guys would deny it. And I'm glad that it happened before I got too old to golf.

Burt: Do you think that we'll ever be too old to golf?

Bob: About the same time that we're too old for sex.

Birdie: Good, I was worried there for a minute. So anyway at this one old age home, one of the men was trying to get one of the women to notice him. He did everything that he could. He tried presenting her with flowers. She thanked him but didn't pay any real attention to him. He sat across from her at meals, but still nothing. He didn't realize that she had cataracts and couldn't see very well. She really wasn't trying to ignore him, she just couldn't see him. He tried everything. One day, he was walking with a friend and saw the woman sitting on the bench with her friend. He told the man he was with, "I've done everything, I might as well take off all my clothes and see if she notices." So he did.

She turns to her friend on the bench and states, "That's a nice looking man, but his suit sure needs a good pressing."

Bob: Birdie, do you have a bad joke for every occasion? Or do you only know bad jokes?

Birdie: Yes.

Burt: Seriously, have you noticed how you've had to slow down and that you can't do the things that you used to?

Bob: Yeah, I'm sure that we've all lost a step. And speaking of steps, have either of you noticed that you walk more and more like your dad?

Burt: Yeah, but, luckily my dad's still going.

Birdie: Yeah, my dad's dead and he would walk fairly stiffly, so my answer is yes (walking like a stiff Frankenstein).

Bob: Geez Birdie, really. One of my earliest memories is of my dad grabbing the side of a car and rolling it over (reaching both hands in the air and making a forward shoving motion). We lived on a corner and there had been some accidents in past. Anyway, this one evening there was a two car crash. I was on phone to a school friend, I must have been in first or second grade. My dad always held his lawn as sacred ground. And there was this car sitting on its side on our yard. It was probably a late forties or early fifties big black car. I think that they were still made out of steel. Anyway, my dad was so angry that he walked out and grabbed the side of the car and rolled it off his lawn and back into the street.

Burt: Your dad is not very tall. What is he, five eight, five nine?

Bob: He's five foot seven and at the time probably weighed about two hundred pounds. But he had a huge chest and big arms. He was a powerful guy. And now he's happy just out walking behind his lawn mower a few hours a week. He still putters around the house, but he's not into heavy lifting or work. He's still a tough guy, he's had a stroke, a heart attack, kidney stones, and a diabetic coma. He's not only survived them all, he's beaten every one.

Birdie: I hope that I'm that tough. Cancer got my dad ten years ago. My mom is enjoying her retirement though.

Burt: Do you think that we'll get to retire?

Birdie: From what?

Burt: From work, you moron. I mean it looks to me like we're just going to have to keep on working. I don't see any retirement plans like our fathers had from their companies or unions.

Bob: You're right. I don't see it either. I hope that we're able to stay healthy. I have everything set up for Dot. If I die she'll be OK. Of course if I live, I'll have to keep going and I'm not sure that either of us wants me at home full time.

Birdie: I never thought that we'd all get this far. I mean old jokes about checking the obituaries every morning to make sure that our names aren't in there, or if I knew that I was going to last this long, I would've taken worse care of myself.

Burt: Isn't that better care... I guess not in your case.

Bob: You know Birdie having you walk with us is better than having you just shout stuff over a fairway or through the woods.

Birdie: Thanks Bob, did we just have a moment here? I'm tearing up.

Bob: God, I hope that you hit the next thirty years all over the course.

Burt: If only Bernie were here to see the love between you two.

Bob: Oh yeah, Bernie. We better hustle along. Even Bernie may be getting nervous about our not being at the church.

Burt: Remember what we did to Bill that time? What was it, his first wedding I think. We painted "help" on the sole of one shoe and "me" on the sole of the other. We were waiting for him to kneel down and that's what would face everyone in the congregation, "help me". But remember, we'd forgotten to tell you, Bob.

Bob: I remember, we were in the basement of the church and he put his foot up on his knee crossing his legs, trying to relax. I looked over and on the bottom of his shoe was the word help and I started laughing. He caught on real quickly. He checked both shoes and we wiped off the "help me" epithath. Of course your faces were great. You guys were waiting to see the help me. You were there nudging one another and then there was nothing on the bottom of his shoes. Your mouths were all open. So it worked either way for me.

Birdie: Well, let's putt out and finish the next hole and get moving. I don't think Denise will wait real long for us. Maybe about two extra minutes and then Bernie will really catch hell.

The golfers putt out.

Spot light on upper stage and Bernie comes out in a tux. Denise is in a wedding gown. Bernie is wrapped in the string from the can phones and Denise is leading him with her can in her hand. Bernie's can is tied to his shoulder near his ear.

Denise: We'll go ahead without them. (she yells into her can).

Bernie: They'll be here. (he's trying to turn his head to speak into the can).

Denise: I knew that this would happen. I told you that they were like kids and that you couldn't count on any of them. You should have asked my brothers to be your ushers. I won't let them ruin my wedding. You'll pay for any problems that your so called friends cause me.

While Denise is talking Dianne enters from the other side of the stage and proceeds to cut Bernie out of the string that he's been tied up in.

Denise: And I'm letting you know too that I don't care that your first wife liked these people. I'm sorry that she died and that she had to die of cancer, but I'm not competing with her. She was different than I am and you're with me now. So we need to start a new life. And one other thing I want you to remember is that you asked me to marry you and not marry or even accept your friends.

Dianne: Does she always go on like this?

Bernie: No, I think that it's the stress of the day and you know Birdie, Bob, and Burt. They are what they are and have always been.

Dianne: They've never let you down. They'll be here.

Bernie: I know. I miss you. I wish you were still here.

Denise: Are you listening to me. I swear sometimes you seem a million miles away. Well, I need to go and check on the caterer, you've got to watch these people every minute. And you stay put. I don't want to be looking for you.

Denise exits.

Dianne: You know that they've been having a great time golfing. But they do miss you. They have their faults, however, they are loyal. And, just in case you are concerned, they will be here on time. Well, five minutes late to be exact. So you may wish to distract her highness for a few minutes. Your mother would be good at that.

Bernie: You know I still love you and no one will ever replace you.

Dianne: I know. But, I need to ask you just one question -- why are you marrying that shrew?

Bernie: That's a little cold and out of character for you, isn't it? She's really very kind and loving when she's not stressed to breaking. Do you remember how you got when things started getting crazy and seemingly out of control?

Dianne: On my worse day, I was never like her in her best moment.

Bernie: Careful, you two are actually very much alike. Do you remember the day that we were married? You were all dressed and saw that stray cat and bent down to pet it and it shredded the front of your dress?

Dianne: Well, that was a real emergency. The gown was ruined and I had every right to be hysterical. It didn't last. I got over it after I clubbed that cat.

Bernie: You did no such thing. You sat down and cried right on the front of the church steps and everyone thought that you were crying because you just realized that you were really going to marry me. And we were all inside, standing there listening to the wedding march and wondering where you were. We were standing there in our Bell bottom tuxes and our polished motor cycle boots.

Dianne: That's right and it was your mother who came out to convince me that you weren't so bad. And I couldn't stop laughing and crying at the same time.

Bernie: We had a wonderful run at it. Now, it's time for me to move on. I need this women, Dianne. I know that she will never replace you and I'm not looking for a replacement. But, I need someone to share my life with, I need someone to come home to in the evenings.

Dianne: I know, and I will soon leave.

Lights down in the back stage.

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Scene 9

The golfers walk back to the tee area and tee off one at a time. Birdie again looks down shakes his head and walks out to an aisle.

Birdie: It was great while it lasted.

Burt: It was one hole.

Birdie: Better to have lived and played one fairway than to never have played a single fairway.

Bob: You're sick and need help, a lot of help; like a whole roomful of doctors who will never leave your side.

Burt: What do you think death is like?

Bob: (Looking all around) Where did that come from?

Burt: Well, we're all getting older and have buried some loved one. I think that the one that got to me was Dianne. She was just a great person and fought so hard to live. And Bernie really loved her. Not anymore than any of us love our wives, and I would miss Doris as much. It's just that death is here and he's waiting for all of us.

Bob: That's a nice morbid thought on a day like today. But, I do know what you mean. It can happen anytime and we may never see it coming. You never know one of Birdie's iron shots could catch you unaware in the temple and you putt out.

Birdie: Hey, I heard that. I am many things, but I'm not the harbinger of death.

Bob: None of us know how long we're here or really even what we're here for. I think that Dianne's death got to all of us. She was tough to the end and fought all the way. And, the kick of it all was that she was almost no different than any of us. She worked hard and cared.

Burt: Don't you sometime think that there's more that we should be doing? That life should have so much more meaning? I know that we all try to live correctly and treat one another with love and respect, well except for Birdie.

Birdie: I heard that, too. I love and respect you guys. Why that reminds me of the ship wreck that I read about the other day. As matter of fact they were interviewing the survivors the other night on the TV. (Burt and Bob are looking at one another and groaning.) There were only five men left. There had been six - one woman and five men. After the ship sank, they floated for days until they came to this deserted island. After spending several weeks on the island, they all began to get really lonely, and sexually lonely and despairing that they would never be found. So they held a group meeting and came to an agreement: each man would marry the one woman for a week at a time.

So the first man was with her for one week, then the second man and so on. Everyone would now have company and some sex every five weeks. This went on for five years and it seemed to work just fine for everyone. And the woman seemed most pleased of all. Then tragedy struck. The woman died. The first week it was pretty bad and very upsetting. The second and third weeks were very bad for everyone and by the fifth week it was almost unbearable. So on the sixth week they buried her.

Burt: Geez, Birdie that was awful. I want you to promise me that you'll never tell another joke again.

Birdie: Well, it's almost the end of the play, OK. But some of these, I just know, that you'll get home and chuckle about them later.

Burt: No we won't. We were trying to figure out what we're doing here. You know with death and all lingering in the background.

Birdie: We're trying to play some golf here. First Bernie bugs out because he's getting married, like that's some excuse, and then you and Bob start whining about death. Is he playing behind us or something? Did he ask us if he could play through? Do you know the meaning of life? I saw the Python film and still don't know what's it all about Alfie? But you know what? It's not about gazing at your navel and hoping that the answers will come to you. I'm sure that it's more than just bad jokes, but we do the best we can and then not worry about the rest.

Burt: Geez Birdie, you really do think about things once in a while.

Birdie: Once in a long while. It hurts my head if I try to think out this stuff too often. It hurts right here (he points to his right eyebrow). And then that little thing pops out like in a turkey to let you know that it's done. I'll tell you I want to go like my grandfather, in his sleep. I don't want to die screaming and yelling like the other people who were in his car.

Burt: Birdie, you promissed.

Birdie: But, that was true....

Bob: Come on, get up and let's putt out. We really need to get going if we are going to do the ushering thing and stay out of some trouble with our wives and Bernie's new one.

They begin to putt out. The lights go down in the front and up again in the back.

Bernie: So what's it like?

Dianne: It's a lot like marriage without the dishes and laundry. Look, Bernie, be happy. Marry this shrew if that's what you wish to do. But don't ever give up the relationships that you've built in your life time. Because at the end, it's the only thing that you have to count on. All of you being there for me in the last months was the most important facts of my brief existence. There are many things that I wish I could do over or do another way, but the relationships that I had with you and your friends and their wives who were some of my oldest friends were the only comfort that I had in the last days. And some of those feelings I can still look back on. I'm in a different place now and things are different.

Bernie: How are they different? Are you happy?

Dianne: Yes, I'm happy and I can't go into it or how it's all so different. But, hang on to your life and focus on what's important and enjoy your time with the people you love and who love you. Marry your woman; she'll turn out fine. I wish you happiness. Hold on to that Bernie. And don't let her tie you up in that damn communication string again. It's not appealing.

Bernie: Thanks, Dianne. You will always be part of my life and I won't let others forget you.

Bernie is joined on stage by the other three men, they are all dressed in tuxes. Dianne walks off waving over her shoulder at Bernie.

All Three: We're here. Did we miss anything?

Bernie: You guys cut this one close and it's going to take months to get this right with Denise.

Burt: Bernie, you're a charmer; it'll be fine. Regular time next month.

Bernie: Of course. And we'll play a full eighteen.

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The end